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Aug. 8th, 2006 @ 08:44 pm ah
Ah it has been a really long time...A lot has changed...My brother is in jail. School is about to start up again...I had surgery on my wrist...I am workin all the time...Aaron is bein nice on AIM and text lately...Life is pretty decent...A little on the stressful side, but hey when hasn't my life been stressful.
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Nov. 16th, 2005 @ 02:30 pm aight so this is what we need
Okay guys I am more compelled to love this song today more than ever, although i have loved it since the frist time I heard it. We need to re-make this song, into a version that is appropriate for today.






Gimme an F!

F!

Gimme an U!

U!

Gimme an C!

C!

Gimme an K!

K!

What's that spell ?

FUCK!

What's that spell ?

FUCK!

What's that spell ?

FUCK!


Yeah, come on all of you, big strong men,

Uncle Sam needs your help again.

He's got himself in a terrible jam

Way down yonder in Vietnam

So put down your books and pick up a gun,

We're gonna have a whole lotta fun.


And it's one, two, three,

What are we fighting for ?

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,

Next stop is Vietnam;

And it's five, six, seven,

Open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

Whoopee! we're all gonna die.


Well, come on generals, let's move fast;

Your big chance has come at last.

Gotta go out and get those reds —

The only good commie is the one who's dead

And you know that peace can only be won

When we've blown 'em all to kingdom come.


And it's one, two, three,

What are we fighting for ?

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,

Next stop is Vietnam;

And it's five, six, seven,

Open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why

Whoopee! we're all gonna die.


Huh!


Well, come on Wall Street, don't move slow,

Why man, this is war au-go-go.

There's plenty good money to be made

By supplying the Army with the tools of the trade,

Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb,

They drop it on the Viet Cong.


And it's one, two, three,

What are we fighting for ?

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,

Next stop is Vietnam.

And it's five, six, seven,

Open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why

Whoopee! we're all gonna die.


Well, come on mothers throughout the land,

Pack your boys off to Vietnam.

Come on fathers, don't hesitate,

Send 'em off before it's too late.

Be the first one on your block

To have your boy come home in a box.


And it's one, two, three

What are we fighting for ?

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn,

Next stop is Vietnam.

And it's five, six, seven,

Open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

Whoopee! we're all gonna die.

About this Entry
Nov. 15th, 2005 @ 08:34 pm (no subject)
OUCH
SO yeah I broke my 8th ri b today at practice. THey gave me percocet. It hurts like hell, they don't tape it or brace them any more. SUCKS I hurt so bad. I wanna lay down and cry...I don't know what else I want to say. Damn I hurt so bad. OH yeah I am out 6 weeks from basketball...
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Aug. 31st, 2005 @ 02:02 am OKay so we all know i am a bitch
This guy pissed me off we are friends online and have talked for 2 years now but he's a moron and doesn't deserve to be on the same planet as the rest of us. This is why I hate so much of my generation. They are ignorant, arrogant, and think nothing bad will happen to them. I am gettin to the point where I just want to start laughin when these morons od and shit. It's like JESUS CHRIST do you have half of the brain you were born with there buddy. But hey whatever man.

ianb950: weed isnt a drug
Al is on Wilder: yes it is
ianb950: no its not
Al is on Wilder: yes it is
Al is on Wilder: so are cigs technically
ianb950: how you figure
Al is on Wilder: weird is a drug
Al is on Wilder: moron
ianb950: yeah i was bout to say, cigs are worse for you then pot
ianb950: lol
Al is on Wilder: WEED IS A DRUG
Al is on Wilder: AND NO
Al is on Wilder: POT IS WORSE
Al is on Wilder: MORON
Al is on Wilder: I HATED POTHEADS
ianb950: nope, a friend did a big research project on it at clemson
Al is on Wilder: no
ianb950: cigs are worse in teh long run
Al is on Wilder: do more
Al is on Wilder: then
Al is on Wilder: no
ianb950: trust me, she doesnt smoke, adn got an A on the project
ianb950: cigs cause cancer
Al is on Wilder: they both damage the fuck out of your lungs
ianb950: weed is worse on the lungs
Al is on Wilder: so can weed you fuckin moron
ianb950: but long term cigs are more deadly
Al is on Wilder: you need to do more research
ianb950: well either way
Al is on Wilder: read reports
ianb950: i dont much care
Al is on Wilder: its a drug
ianb950: bc i love the weed
ianb950: i know its a drug, but I dont consider it one
Al is on Wilder: i dont 'have a probelm with peopel who do it
Al is on Wilder: but i hate their stupidity
Al is on Wilder: it is a drug
ianb950: drugs are coke, herion, and shit like that
Al is on Wilder: pks are drugs
ianb950: yeah
Al is on Wilder: narcotics at that
ianb950: i love drugs
ianb950: lol
ianb950: man i coudl eat loritabs all day long
Al is on Wilder: but most people dont' call em drugs
Al is on Wilder: i hope one day you od
ianb950: i have before
Al is on Wilder: moron
Al is on Wilder: then i hope the next time it is fatal
ianb950: like 8 tens throughout teh day
Al is on Wilder: because of you are that stupid
ianb950: 8 tens isnt gonna kill me
Al is on Wilder: you don't deserve to live
ianb950: i can take 8 tens thoughout the day and be straight as hell, just feel real good and relaxed
Al is on Wilder: anythin can kil lyou
ianb950: hell you should see my friends
ianb950: lol
Al is on Wilder: one x can kjill someon
Al is on Wilder: i hate morons
Al is on Wilder: i am fuckin out
ianb950: take 2 xanax bars, 4 methadones and drink a shit ton of liquor
ianb950: X and lortabs are no where near the same thing
Al is on Wilder: i am just sayin
ianb950: i can twist my ankle and get prescribed tabs
Al is on Wilder: anythin can kill you
Al is on Wilder: and it doesn't matter how mcuh
ianb950: i dont fuck with oxycoton, methadone, or anything like that
Al is on Wilder: its bout your body
Al is on Wilder: seriously though you said you oded
ianb950: i just munch on muscle relaxers like perkiset and tabs
Al is on Wilder: and you still do drugs
Al is on Wilder: then you deserve to die
ianb950: who said i ODed
Al is on Wilder: learn to spell percacet
Al is on Wilder: i said i hoped you od
ianb950: thanks alot
Al is on Wilder: and you said i already did
Al is on Wilder: you can't even read a simple im
Al is on Wilder: y ou really need to lay off the drugs
ianb950: next time im doin drugs ill try to smoke myself retared, eat some painkillers, and drink a bottle of whiskey
ianb950: lol
Al is on Wilder: ok
ianb950: no its just that im stoned and its 2 am
Al is on Wilder: lay off the drugs
ianb950: and ive been in school/work all damn day
Al is on Wilder: so?
ianb950: im tired
Al is on Wilder: thats an excuse now?
ianb950: omg
Al is on Wilder: for sayin things you don't mean?
ianb950: are u kidding me
Al is on Wilder: and contradicting yourself?
Al is on Wilder: i mean
ianb950: bc im so damn tired i cant stay awake
Al is on Wilder: wow are we 12 w/ omg
ianb950: peace
Al is on Wilder: lay off the drugs
anb950: nah
ianb950: as a matter of fact ill probally be stoned tomorrow
ianb950: peacde
ianb950 direct connection is closed.
Al is on Wilder: and i hope it kills you one day
Al is on Wilder: honestly
Al is on Wilder: i hope you die directly beacuse of drugs
ianb950: do you konw how much weed it takes to kill someone
Al is on Wilder: or someone high drivin slams into your car
Al is on Wilder: leavin you dead or paryalized
ianb950: like those commercials?
ianb950: trust me ive been smoking for 5 or 6 years now
ianb950: it doesnt fuck up your driving
ianb950: and i think ill survive
ianb950: along with half the rest of this town that blazes up
About this Entry
Aug. 25th, 2005 @ 08:58 am sick of people
I am honestly sick of morons and people with less of the little life I have. People who sit on the computer all day bein nosey little bitches*not you hoey, i am as nosey as you are in that sense lol i llove our adventures on gc.net and the doc* or thinking I want to talk to them all day every day. Away messages do mean something and if I have a f'ed up away msg does it really warrant a 1000 comments tryin to pry more in to my personal life or what not. Or if I say somethin stupid does it warrant are you drunk? when I rarely drink. If you don't know me by now people then don't try to. If you can't get the fact that I will say anything. Cause I am me.

Anywho I am like ah. It's almost time for class and I don't really want to go. Daniel is suppoesedly givin me my basketball today. This should be interesting I am goin to take a few pics of him for him for the net. I am too nice. HA. Things are kinda weird with him. not sure if this friendsa thing will work or even somethin i want to try. we are so different. no idea how we got a long. we see things totally different. i dont think he will ever get me, my point of view or my life. i am so confused bout a lot of things right now. i just don't know somethings anymore. I know that right now i need my friends more than ever and I am so far from there. It's like this fuckin sucks. I can't believe its been 8 freakin years since we walked in to Mississinewa HS for the first time as students. A lot has changed and happened since those days, but I kinda long for them, even though that was a bad time for me, i had friends who really cared bout me. They helped me get over my problems and I love them for that still today, even the ones i am no longer friends with.
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Aug. 16th, 2005 @ 10:43 pm letter to fin aid director to try to get independent status
To: Whom it may concern


My name is Alison M. Wilder, I am 22 years old. I have had a pretty rough life, and I am currently trying to work to make it better. I came from a pretty bad home life. For as long as I can remember we had are good times and are bad, but our bad were very bad, worst than most. I remember fighting with my brother at like the age of three and then my almost 200 pound mother sitting on me. I remember how much it hurt, and I couldn’t move. Also around the age of three my older brother decided to stab me in the head with a screw driver, I had to be rushed to the emergency room. The end result is a scare on the side of my face that I have to live with for the rest of my life, just because he felt the need to do it. He was never punished. I remember as a young child pillows being held over my face, and hardly being able to breathe. My parents were always fighting. My dad would call my mom a fat bitch and say how stupid she was all the time. I never really saw my parents hug or anything that showed they loved each other.

My dad is an alcoholic, well a recovering one. Most of my life he has been on the wagon, but had a huge slip up my junior year of high school, or so. That was hell. He was arrested three times in less than 8 months, twice in a matter of weeks, for driving while intoxicated. He started AA before my brother was born, and was in it for awhile. He then stopped going to meetings, but wasn’t drinking, so it was all good. I don’t know what happened, I think my brother calling him a drunk and stuff got to him so one day he drank and one thing lead to another and he couldn’t stop. He also has a gambling problem, a bad one at that. I think he’s got it curbed right now, but when we were little it was crazy. We couldn’t leave our rooms during his games, because if we did his team would mess up and it was our fault. He is still like that. We also weren’t allowed to leave our rooms at night cause he slept in the living room because he didn’t want to sleep with my mother, as he refers to her as names and things I would rather not say.

He also has severe anger issues. He yells all the time and destroys things when he is mad. Our house always had holes in the wall from his fits. One time he tore down one entire wall because he was mad. Last time I was home I had the phone thrown at me and it hit me in the head. Our cars always get destroyed because of him or my brother getting mad. He gets mad and starts screaming and destroying things or randomly calling the police for no reason on me or my brother. But when there is a reason to kick my brother out he won’t. My brother and dad fight a lot, but then again so do me and my dad. And when I say fight usually its like punching not just words. Words I can deal with, as I have had to my whole life. From the time I was little my dad would say I was a no good rotten bitch, a worthless whore and so on, but other times he was my little league coach and everything was great.

Nothing that I have ever done has been good enough for my parents, they always expect more out of me. I am a great person, I think, but I can only do so much. I would come home with one B and they would say you should have had straight A’s. I would have a great game and my dad would always say you should have done this, I was hard enough on myself, that’s not what I needed, I needed a good job Alison, I am proud of you. But rarely if ever did I get that. I work hard make good/decent grades and want a better life for myself than the one I have had so far. I can’t take the police at the house all the time. I can’t take getting told how no good I am and how I was my father’s biggest mistake, and how they should have stopped after one. I don’t need phones and other objects thrown at me. I don’t need it nor do I deserve it.

My mother is a maniac depressant. With the exception of a few major incidents as a child she has been pretty good to me. But should have left my father years ago, and still hasn’t. He calls her names and makes her feel worthless, which is not good for a person who has been a maniac depressant their whole life. She has tried to kill herself numerous times. And I had to drive her to the hospital, and I don’t want that nor do I need that. I love her, but I can’t be around that.

My older brother, now this is a fun one, he’s 24 still lives at home, and rarely works. Now that I am not around for him to attack he has been more mean towards my mother. Me and my brother were always worst enemies and best friends, but now he is dead to me. I can’t take it anymore, one day I hope he grows up and we will be close again. From the time I was tiny he loved to pick on me any way he can, and I would always go out of my way to please him, and everyone else for that matter. When I was around three he stabbed me with the screw driver. He has hit me with a baseball bat in the leg, he has hit me with metal cattle chain and I got him back with a wooden fishing rod. We basically tried to kill each other as kids, because it was what we knew. My brother has a severe anger problem, just like my father, he destroys things when he gets mad and hits whoever is around. When I was 16 I didn’t let him borrow my car one night so he could go have sex in it, so he got mad and kicked in the passenger side door, $400 worth of damage. He then went inside and grabbed our free weights and threw one at my computer while I was sitting at the computer, he destroyed the computer. Our neighbors called the police on that one, and my dad said oh no I am not going to press charges cause the car was in his name and he didn’t want my brother to go to jail. The police was always at our house, but they nor my parents would do anything.

At 17 the shit really hit the fan, for some reason one night my brother was really mad, and started threatening to kill my puppy. He was on a rampage, destroying things. My mom left to go call the police because he wouldn’t let them use the phone and he had gone mad. My dad got my puppy out of the house, and I went back in to talk him down, so he wouldn’t get in trouble. Well everything was fine until he realized that mom had gone to call the police, so he grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen and pinned me against the stairwell and said if the cops came I was dead. Well right as he said that we saw red lights, oh man I have never been that scared in my life. I don’t really remember what I said to him but I got him to look the other direction and I ran the hell out of there. The sheriff’s deputies wanted to take him away but my parents insisted they didn’t. So they didn’t, but they suggested he move out right away since he was already 19 and what not. Instead the parental figures decided to get the 17 year old senior her own place, so they rented me a place in another town.

That was okay for a few months, then I had to go to my parents place for a meeting with a school early one morning, so I was just going to shower there. My brother had other plans, he should have already been at school, 5th year senior, but wasn’t yet. And needed the upstairs bathroom to do his hair when he could do that downstairs but the upstairs bathroom was the only one to shower in. Well I went in to the bathroom to get ready to hop in and he started raising seven kinds of hell. He and I then preceded to get in a huge fight. I got some good hits on him, but basically he was beating the living daylights out of me. My mom for some reason tried to get in between us to stop us, she got pushed. He then body slammed me and stepped on my back. He left that room for awhile and I crawled to my mom’s room and laid on the floor crying until the police arrived.

I went downstairs when the police came, and they asked what happened and we all told them. It was like three different accounts of the same situation. I am not the easiest person when it comes to law enforcement and I don’t know when to shut up, so I was taken to the Juvenile detention center while my brother was taken to the county jail. I was out in a few hours, no charges ever filed, there were charges against my brother. I never got to testify or anything or tell what happened, which I really wanted to. He missed a concert he wanted to go to, so he told my parents he was going to kill me when he got out. My aunt found out about all this from my grandma and she invited me to come live with her in Florida, and my parents decided that it was best for me. So they shipped me to Florida at 17. I lived with my aunt until April when I decided I wanted to play AAU basketball in Indiana so I moved home. That was tolerable for a bit, bad fights as always. Including one that my brother threw a coat hanger and nearly put out my eye. But it paid off, I played AAU ball and got a scholarship to a Junior College to play basketball. And was out of there for a year.

That basketball situation wasn’t good, so I looked at transferring and found a school to go to, I would just have to survive the summer at my parents house. Which I did, mainly by staying with friends in the town I grew up in. I was rarely home that summer. Then I went away to school again, this time farther from them. That was great, I made the mistake of coming home for Thanksgiving though, that ended with the police at the house and a huge bruise on my arm from the sheriff. I don’t even remember what the fight was about but it was pretty bad. I went back to school and things were fine. I survived the summer again with minimal damage before going to South Carolina to a school to play ball. I got mono and got sent home from school around Thanksgiving of that year. So it was back to the parents house until January when I could get out again. I chose here because it was really far from them and not that far from my cousins and aunt in Florida, if I ever wanted to be around family.
I have been out of their house since January 12, 2004. I haven’t seen them since then. I talk to them when I need something and what not. They will help me out as much as they can when I need it. They love me and I love them, but we can’t live with each other with out wanting to kill each other. I really would like to total cut ties with my father and brother for a few years, but with schooling and needing his information it makes it hard to. I don’t want to live the life I grew up with. I want to be a normal person, I don’t want to have these demons and ghosts in my closet that I have to deal with everyday. I want a better life and that starts with getting an education and getting them out of my life totally. So I can continue to grow as a real person outside of that environment, so I can make myself and society better. It’s a cycle that must be broken and I am trying to break it on my end, I just need some help.
About this Entry
Aug. 16th, 2005 @ 10:36 pm Letter to Fin Aid Director
 
About this Entry
Aug. 10th, 2005 @ 08:02 pm Alison Rant #2
Hey I feel like ranting again so hear goes. So yeah yesterday I found out my mom has some brain disease. That sucks. I am not ready to lose her. I don't know the severity of it yet, but damnit I don't want her to die. Got a gay email from my counselor at KSU. My response was kinda bitchy but hey who cares I can be a bitch if I want to. I am kinda stressed out, but on a postive note I talked to the coach at Southern Poly today. I applied and they are goin to let me do it all evern though I am past the deadlines and stuff. Classes start on the 22nd then two weeks off then ball starts with conditioning. That's prolly goin to be a little hellish but I can do it. I need to start workin out and shootin and runnin every day now. I think. I am kinda excited, I woudln't get bball money first semester but would if things go good second semester. i don't really know waht else to say. I am kinda really tired. I need to be workin on Daniel's birthday present since his bday is in 9 days. But I am so tired. Hopefully when i wake up from my nap I can do an hour or two then do an hour or two tomorow after my first shift at work then again after the second shift. Need to work my arse off....
I don't know waht to say...
http://www.crush007.com/love.cgi?id=1123709999ztj
take that dawgs
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Aug. 7th, 2005 @ 11:13 pm bored
ha not sure bout this
Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!


i mean yea someday i would like to get married if i meet the right person but not sure about anytime soon.

ha
You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!


I'd say I was more than 50% weird

haha
Your Kissing Purity Score: 51% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing
ha i am bored if youc an't tell


haha

The Keys to Your Heart



You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.


About this Entry
Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 08:05 pm Alison Rant #1
Current Music: Oasis- Some might say
Okay so, yeah, honestly your upbringing effects you on a daily basis, but how big of an influence does it have on the type of person you become? I mean is it really so much your parents and home life that make you who you are or the way you choose to do things? To each his own, I am begining to think that emotionally you are effected more by your upbringing than you are on decisions and life style choices. Maybe we are preprogamed, like when we are concieved maybe theres something that makes us the person we are. I am begining to think its more pre-determined to a degree than how you were brought up. I mean there are kids who had perfect parents and great childhoods but are druggies, murders, don't understand things and much more. And there are kids who grew up in bad environments but are outstanding people.

Where is the line, of you how you were raised and what is out of your control on how you are? I mean my parents enstilled some morals and values in me, not that many and my childhood wasn't great usually but at times it was. My parents didn't know what how to react to certain situations and deal with them in a rational sane manner. But I love them and respect them, they are good people, they just have problems that they never dealt with. With the exception of having one flashback and fights with my family I am far from that person. I am a kind, caring, considerate, loving, and open minded person. I see things different then others, but I don't think that my childhood has as much to do with my beliefs anymore, as I do. I never made an conscience decision to be who I am, but I know who I am, I am great. I am a little cocky but you gotta be. I rarely let people get to me, I know it doesn't matter what you think of me, but I do not want to be judged on my past, if you want judge me on my actions, reactions, and opinions then be my guest, but don't judge me on my past, my family, or my looks. Those who don't know about my past would never guess it. I hide it well, not really hide it cause its there and I know its there, but I don't think that it is really everyone's business. It was always no ones, now I have shared it with more people on a need to know basis, but this is the first time writing about it to a degree, but whatever it is part of who I am, part of the person I am and the person I choose to be.

I am a little bit of an extremist in some cases and I am pretty liberal. I believe in certain things and I stand up for them, NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know where that comes from, my parents would never carry it to the extent I would. I mean they believe in some things, more my dad, but he would never go as far as where its going to get him in trouble, but to me if I don't stand up for what I believe in who will. Who will protect me when people infringe upon my civil liberties or violate me, or even have a ridiculous law. If we all just sit back and let people violate us, steal or civil liberites and pass bad laws then what kind of society would we live in. People say that I have balls or gumption and some act like its a bad thing, but I don't see it as a bad thing, I mean sure sometimes it ends bad, because I don't handle the situation right, but atleast when I feel strongly about something I feel comfortable sticking up for what I believe in. The more things happen in my life lately the more I realize that I need to go to law school, that it is my destiny. I am supposed to be a lawyer and I am supposed to make changes, maybe get in to politics, who knows. But I feel there is so much that I can do, but I can't sit on my ass anymore, its time for me to buck the fuck up and be who I am supposed to be. I have been close to that person for awhile but have lacked the motivation for school since sometime in high school, but I am ready, because its about time for me to start making changes. Also to help people who have similiar situations as what I experienced this past week, with my civil liberities being infringed upon and more. Its time for Alison Wilder to hit the real world full force. So I am glad for my week experience because of that, but it was hell on earth and there will be hell to pay for all involved I can promise that, if I can get a lawyer *dad said he was goin to get UAW legal services to and they had agreed earlier that it wasn't right* so who knows. But something must be done and done now.

So yeah I was kind of in an "adult inpatient unit" this past week, for no reason and there should be a lawsuit filed soon over the whole ordeal. So many things were not done by the book, but in a sense I am glad all of it happened. Now I know that its time to straighten out, I had just decided to go to school to be a teacher, but I can't make the changes I want to as a teacher. I know I'd be a great teacher but my destiny is law. Also it kind of helped me with the whole leaving the past in the past and helped me open up and be more honest, but I am still afraid that people will judge my family and I don't want that or see me in a new light. They are good people and why should people treat me different because I wasn't treated good as a kid. Hey I am over it you should be too. Well somethings kinda bug me still, but I can honestly say that the reason me and Daniel broke up would never happen again because of this week and the break up with him as well. But more nothing is going to be as bad as what I have already lived so why freak out, why have flashbacks. If I talk more about it, it won't happen because I won't be hiding. So I am working on that. If you want to know the whole story let me know and I will tlel you, its bout time I share it.

I really liked Daniel and still do to a degree. I miss him in that sense, but right now it's best. But soon I will be an even better person than I am right now and I will be completely ready to have a relationship with someone, I wish it could be him, but I don't think he would even try it. I think it would be cool that if in a month or two we could go on a date or somethin to see if there was anything there anymore, but whatever. We are trying to be freinds, don't know if that will work. To a degree I am glad this whole thing with him happened, it forced me to realize that I wasn't fine, I needed to deal with the past and I have finally. I mean I still am dealing with it, it takes time, but I am already much better than I was. Like I am sure if the samething happened today I would be fine. I just hid for so long that it was like I was a volcano waiting to errupt, and I did. Unfortunately it was on someone I really cared about and liked more than I have ever liked a boy, I wish he could have believed me that it was a one time thing. I went and saw a counsleor shortly there after to work on it, but this week I am better than I have ever before. It's like it will never be as bad as it was growing up so why dwell on it or relive it or hide it even. But back to Daniel even though it was my fault, he broke my heart, and hurt me more than I have ever been emotionally hurt by someone, well I mean I the parents were pretty bad too but ah. Daniel was the first boy I told my parents bout, he was the first boy I really really really really really liked. He was I don't know the words. He is a great person, but I wish he was more understanding of some things. I had something to say here but my mind is in a million places right now its skippin around topics and stuff.

No I am not depressed Mr. ER DR. Ha NO I would never kill myself. I am a happy normal person, sure sometimes I get down but we all do. I am fine. And that's what they said at the psych unit. THey said I was handling the issue with my past the right way talkin to someone like a therapist and what not and that I wasn't depressed just had judgement and impulse control issues. But they think of that as a bad thing I think of it as a good thing to a degree, I mean they say it cause I say waht I think, I thoguht the DR. was a fuck stick so I told him. I thought the securtiy guard was an asshole so I told him too. I maybe a little different than others but that doesn't mean there is a god damn thing wrong with me. I am just a very opinionated individual with strong convictions, who believes in standing uhp for her rights and what not.


Alison M. Wilder


more to come int he next either few hours or days
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